Viewpoint – Jessica DeGroot
Like it or not, children grow up …
When my children were young I really didn’t understand that my Shared Care journey with Jeff would include a point in time when my children would grow up and leave the house. But it happened. One child is off to college, which also means I know how quickly the other will be making his way through high school.
Life with teens is easier - As I compare my life today to the early years of our family, it’s amazing how much easier it is. Gone are the days of the physical demands of those early years. Now our son is busy with his own life. And on the days I’m “in charge” he often doesn’t come home until 4:30 or even 5:30. Now when one of us travels for work, gone are the exhausting days of doing “double duty” because the other parent is absent. Now I even have a second pair of hands around to help out with dinners, walk the dog and do all the other everyday tasks families require.
Life with teens is also harder - However – as any parent of a teenager knows – life with teens is also harder. The problems they face are more complex and often can’t be quickly crossed off the to-do list.
Creating a collective tool box – both at work and at home - What I didn’t know was how much my decision to Share Care with Jeff would become so valuable as our children grew up. As Shared Care parents we were both experts in flexing our work to be available for our children. And as Shared Care parents of teens we could both think together about how to handle the new and sometimes challenging territory of dating, driving and the all encompassing college application process.
I remember a moment a few years ago when our daughter was facing a significant challenge with another friend of hers. At that exact moment I also had a work commitment that I couldn’t reschedule. You can’t predict when your teenager will need a shoulder to cry on, but this was one of those moments. I left our house not knowing how things would unfold – my father was wonderful in so many ways, but my Mom was the parent I leaned on for emotional support. Returning home later that day, not only did I find my daughter once again ready to take on the world, I learned how much Jeff was truly my equal in managing the ups and downs of family life.
But we didn’t achieve our “team approach” overnight. It took practice, a few fights, me letting go and even getting some outside resource when we kept getting stuck in a particular problem. Now with our youngest in high school, Jeff and I will be using our “team approach” to start planning for life without children at home. Yes, I know it’s hard to imagine – but like it or not, children do grow up.
21st Century Workplace
A 21st Century Workplace – Lessons from small business
Our most recent Thursday with ThirdPath call was an inspiring examples of what’s possible when leaders courageously hold on to their goals of living integrated lives.
Jennifer Johnson is Co-founder Current Designs – a small research instrument manufacturing firm. Ken Stern is Founding Partner, Stern & Curray – an immigration law firm. Jennifer and Ken are also both great examples of Whole Life Leaders – leaders who have been successful at work while also creating time and energy to be an involved father, mother, grandfather, husband, wife and community member.
Whole Life Leaders model and support progressive conversations at work – Whole Life Leaders help their team develop 21st century skills and an integrated mind set so that everyone increases their capacity to develop win-win solutions – solutions that foster a thriving workplace and multi-dimensional lives.
Whole Life Leaders create more sustainable workplaces - Whole Life Leaders who are small business owners, like Jennifer and Ken, are also leaders who are helping us create a blue print for 21st century workplaces. Workplaces that truly support everyone – from entry level to executive level – to follow integrated career paths.
Whole Life Leaders support progressive conversations at home - In addition, Whole Life Leaders are changing what’s happening at home. Together, they are working as a team to step out of traditional gender roles and address the changing needs of work and family. Sometimes this means one parent – the father or mother – temporarily steps out of work or reduces work to create a workable solution for the family. But they see this as one part of an on-going story where both parents are partners in caring for their children and meeting the financial needs of their family.
Download our Whole Life Leaders PDF and see how these pioneers are changing how we do things both at work and at home.
One Father’s Journey
One Father’s Journey Creating an Integrated Career Path
We really do understand that it can feel challenging to imagine yourself adopting an integrated approach to work and life, but this goal is within your reach. Key to this journey is (1) becoming clear about what you want time for outside of work and then (2) getting support to move towards these goals.
To illustrate the importance of these two simple truths, read Brad’s story.
Brad is a father who learned many important life lessons on his road to becoming a Whole Life Leader. Brad started his career in a large law firm, but over time made many changes to create a more satisfying approach to work and family. Click on each of his “life lessons” to follow his journey.
Lesson 1. Taking parental leave makes a big difference.
After having their first child, Brad decided to take advantage of his law firm’s gender-neutral parental leave policy. This was a policy that was rarely used by his male colleagues. Using this policy, Brad was able to take a three-month paid leave to be with his newborn son after his wife returned to work.
“The leave was a real epiphany,” Brad explains. “It became clear to me how important my role as a father was. My wife loved my paternity leave, because it was easier for her to go back to work knowing I was at home. She appreciated the help, and that gave me room to co-parent. ”
“Usually the early issues are left to the woman,” he continued. “Suddenly, I had to do these things, like being in charge all day, or, when I was thinking about going back to work, selecting what childcare to use. Since I was home then, it became my job to make these decisions. It made me a more responsible parent.”
Lesson 2. Make sure each parent has alone time with the children.
Eight years after taking the paternity leave, Brad could also begin to talk about how deeply discouraging the intense demands of his work situation had become. “I think I was depressed at work, but that was what everyone was doing. When I was at home on leave, I realized not everyone was working killer hours. The job had made me myopic and the paternity leave took off the blinders. I felt the depression lift.”
Lesson 3. Get support to leave an unsupportive workplace.
Lesson 4. If you expect to encounter resistance, develop a good track record and then ask to try something as a pilot first.
Lesson 5. Don’t let go off your goals, even when the going gets tough.
Brad’s new boss had old-fashioned ideas about men’s and women’s roles. “My boss supported the reduced work schedules of female colleagues of mine who were doing similar jobs, but told me I should be working 100%.” Brad was shocked. “This gender stereotyping was a big deal for me.”
Instead of leaving the organization, Brad decided to ride out each new challenge with a growing and clearer sense of what he was up against. “This was the first time that as a white male I could recall experiencing being faced with bigotry or an unfair bias,” he explains. “I had this theory that the only obstacle to getting the schedule I wanted was in my head, but that clearly wasn’t true. I was struck by how long it took to negotiate for what I wanted, and how each subsequent boss was reluctant to stick his or her neck out for me. And this was in a group that had women who were doing this. The pressure was not even coming from human resources,” he concludes, “It was other peoples’ own gender stereotypes of what I was supposed to be doing.”
Lesson 6. Look for other role models.
In addition, Brad had long been inspired by a close male friend who had worked a four-day schedule since becoming a parent. This friend had always been upfront about these issues with his employer. “I was impressed that Sam had always told his employers that he was only willing to work four days a week. Brad explains. “He had fought for what he wanted. I had internalized an understanding from my parents’ generation that being a good father meant holding down a well paying job. Sam was an important role model of something else.” Sam also encouraged Brad to get in touch with ThirdPath, and Brad credits the support he got from Jessica with giving him the little extra courage he needed to go after his goals.
Lesson 7. It’s a process, not a solution – things will keep on changing at work and at home.
Brad notes, “I am very present at home on this schedule. I don’t think about work or check-in on my day off. After a while, Alicia was able to shift to a 90% schedule as well, so one of us is always home at least one day a week. The experience has been really positive; the kids call our days off, ‘Mama Day’ and ‘Dada Day.’ They love the day they get to have with us.”
Lesson 8. Take a long-term approach to your collective goals and step by step you’ll get there.
Brad emphasizes that maintaining work-life balance is a constant work in progress. “You have to be vigilant and creative because there will always be change and there will always be outside influences that have the potential to take over if you let them.”
“I am finally at a place where I ask for things quickly, I give myself permission to ask for the things I want, and if I don’t get it the first time around, I try it all over again.” Brad can also see that he and Alicia gain confidence from each other’s decisions.
Lesson 9. Whole Life Leaders are modeling a new approach that others can follow.
Would you like to join one of the calls we have just for fathers? Check out our events calendar to find out more about our calls for fathers and fathers-to-be. These calls address: (call 1) The new definition of fatherhood, (call 2) Career success and family success, (call 3) Making it work financially. Contact us and let us know if you’d like to learn more about this unique opportunity.